Nick Heidfeld's Beard

Nick Heidfeld brought something to Formula One this year that had been sorely missed for a good long time: a beard.



For quite awhile Eddie Jordan was the face-furriest man in F1 with his goatee. Eventually Paul Stoddart and his beard entered the picture. Then there was Bobby Rahal and Dr. Mario Theissen with their mustaches, but those haven't been fashionable in years, though I must say Mario's is a very pleasant mustache in a Ned Flanders sort of way. However, these were team principals and engine guys... not actual drivers. Sure, every now and then a driver would show up unshaven, but nobody has had a dedicated beard for a long time.

Last year DC started sporting a light salt and pepper goatee, which was a step in the right direction, yet he kept it too neat. Still, it is progress. This year Nick Heidfeld brought an actual beard to the track and has kept it all year.

Even though it isn't a great beard like those of the 1970's, it is still a beard none the less. Patchy and thin as it is, I respect it. However, it looks as though Jenson Button has been sticking with some facial hair, maybe even considering taking the fight to Quick Nick. While Button's beard is more in the vein of a goatee with a chin strap, it can still be considered a beard. I feel that if he sticks with it over the winter and lets it grow in a bit further that by the start of the 2008 season he could replace Heidfeld as the ultimate beard in Formula One. The only thing to consider are the wild cards who currently are not sporting facial hair and are always clean shaven. For all we know a Jarno Truli or Rubens Barrichello or even the young Nico Rosberg could show up with a mane of beard and wow us all shaming Nick and Jenson so badly that they shave theirs!

Is Jackie Stewart a halfwit?

No, to most people Jackie Stewart is an amazing Formula One stalwart and is not a halfwit, unless you are Max Mosley, then yes, JYS is in fact a halfwit who "goes round dressed up as a 1930s music hall man." Max also goes on to claim that "It's annoying that some of the sponsors listen to him because he's won a few championships. But nobody else in Formula One does - not the teams, not the drivers. He's a figure of fun among drivers."

I'm sorry Max, but you just don't fuck with JYS. While he is very old, much like you, he is also a ninja who dresses according to Standard Scottish Ninja Code and if Jackie has taken true offense to your statements then he will probably kill you in your sleep. If you are lucky, he might just kill your dog and pour sugar in your gas tank.

If Jackie doesn't do any of this then I will make good on my threat from 2005 to you of biting you on the cheek, which was the threat I made if you refused to help the Michelin shod teams at the USGP. If I recall correctly, you did in fact refuse to help those teams, and all the people that tuned in to watch a Formula One race. Well, I never followed thru with that threat due to the fact that I have been very poor the past few years. But so help me God, I still want to bite your cheek because I'm still mad about that shitty USGP I had to watch and now I'm furious over your knocking Jackie Stewart!

Max, when I'm done with you yer gonna look like this:

That is if Sir Jackie doesn't fuck your shit up first!

Where do you get off making most of these statements? Ok, he does look silly, but he's allowed to because he is so fucking cool. You Max, are not, and have never been. You have to wear very nice tailored suits all the time because you just aren't awesome enough to pull off what Sir Jack can.

Maybe some sponsors listen to Jackie because he has been around forever and has a brilliant nose for business, not to mention driving. While I'm sure you are a very rich man, as you were born into money, Jackie is a self made man, nor might I add, is he a failed race car driver.

Jackie: Self made millionaire and three time F1 world champion.
Max: Son of a fascist politician, born into money, and failed race car driver.

While I'm sure EVERYBODY in the paddock gets a good laugh when Jackie walks by wearing his Standard Scottish Ninja garb, I find it hard to believe that the drivers don't take him very seriously. The old man knows his shit. He is a sage. However, maybe I am misreading the comment and by "figure of fun among the drivers" you just mean that they like to party down with him. I know I sure would like to. Maybe Jackie and Kimi go to tittie bars together and get smashed and wave their dicks around together while making fun of the fact that Fernando Alonso looks a lot like Borat*. Maybe they drunkenly talk about how hot Nico Rosberg is and how they both secretly would like to make love to him?

Either way, don't go throwing stones Mr. Mosley. I doubt very strongly that there is very much love for you around the paddock and the only reason people even pretend to take you seriously is that if they piss you off you start lobbing around $100 million dollar fines.

You bully! You dick!

*See, Fernie Alonso really does have an incredible likeness to Borat:

"What, shit?"
"Yeah"

Generals and Majors

I'm very curious as to where Fern Alonso is going to race next year. While I've already spoken of this in a past entry, I can't help but wonder. While I truly do not expect him to be at McLaren next year the question is posed "Where else is there to go?" and that's a very good question indeed.

Obviously Renault is the answer that makes the most sense. With them two sets of championships were bagged in a two year succession. Then The Fern left and Renault has a shit season. While it can't all be down to the drivers lack of pace, you have to wonder, considering Alonso claims to have brought some time to McLaren after their rather weak season last year. However, I think Renault made a not so great car this year and have a rookie and a not so great driver. McLaren made a really good car and have the two best drivers. Though there's always that element of wonder. While I expect to see Alonso back at Renault, nothing will surprise me.

What I'm most curious about is what happens to the driver market as a whole once Alonso lands at wherever it is he is to land for next year. While most teams have their lineup confirmed for next year anything can change. I've read of buying and selling of contracts recently and it could happen for sure.

There are stories of Massa talking to Toyota about Ralf Schumacher's soon to be vacated seat, which could only mean that Ferrari want Alonso. What bothers me about this is that Ferrari claimed in the past they had no interest in Alonso (while looking for a Michael Schumacher successor) and purportedly Alonso confirmed this by saying Ferrari never rang him. Now after all this spy shit Ferrari are sniffing around him?! I joking said awhile back that Ferrari and McLaren could swap Kimi for The Fern, but that was in jest for it seems the majority of Alonso's problem with his current team is the clear lack of number one status. So having Kimi and Fern in a team together could get fucking ugly. We know Massa can be a good lackey, he proved this when he was Scumi's toady. But I don't see Kimi accepting this. We know Alonso won't either. So it would be pretty lame if Massa gets booted and a whole new world of shit stirs up at Ferrari.

Watch, Alonso joins Ferrari and next year around July Fernie goes to the FIA with information that Ferrari is spying on other teams and also knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Treating F1 teams solely as investments

In all honesty I am getting sick of the former Jordan team being sold every year. I mean Eddie ran his team from 1991 till 2004, when he sold it to the Midland Group in early 2005 for $60 million dollars. They ran the team for one year as Jordan and then renamed the team Midland F1 Racing in 2006. In September of 2006 Midland sold the team to Spyker for $106 million dollars and in September 2007, Spyker has sold out to Vijay Mallya and Michiel Mol for $145 million.

I understand that the value continually increases as there is no more room on the grid for new teams... but still. Can't someone just buy the team and be content with the fact that they will probably be perennial back markers? It's like these people who buy the teams expect the cars to be competitive after a season or two and then when they aren't winning world championships decide to take up so and so's offer to buy the team for a considerable sum more than they paid for it... or they treat the team purely as a shrewed business investment and on top of it all have the luxury of also being able to say "Yeah, I owned an F1 team for about 9 months once. It was pretty cool I guess"

Really, I would just like some stability and for the name of the former Jordan team to stay the same thing for more than 11 months. Maybe the FIA should mandate that the team permanently be called "The The Team Formerly Known As Jordan Grandrix" Sure it's long, but everybody would end up calling it Jordan and all would be well.

Confused yet? I still am!

From my original understanding it was that Ron Dennis was the one whom alerted the FIA to the fact that some new evidence exist... but now I'm reading that he only sort of did?

On 14/9/07, a day after the FIA doled out McLaren's fine grandprix.com reported: "the identity of the man who tipped off the FIA that there was additional evidence against McLaren: it was none other than Ron Dennis." they said he did this in order to "deprive Alonso of this rather unsavoury negotiating tool and negate the possibility of anyone else using it against McLaren and because it was the right thing to do Dennis reported the information to the FIA in the hope that his display of good faith would underline the fact that the team has been honest throughout the investigation."

However, from another article on grandprix.com posted 19/9/07 it is said "Referring to a conversation on the Sunday morning at the Hungarian GP, Dennis said that Alonso was "extremely upset with what had taken place the previous day (Saturday), but nowhere nearly as upset as I was. He said things that he subsequently and fully retracted. Within the passage of material, he made a specific reference to e-mails from a McLaren engineer. When he made this statement, I said, “Stop”. I went out, brought Mr Whitmarsh him in, and Fernando said everything again, in front of his manager. When he had finished, I turned to Martin Whitmarsh, asking what we should do with this particular part of the conversation. Martin said we should find Max. After Martin and Fernando left, that is exactly what he did. I recounted the entire conversation to Max. I was upset and angry, but mainly upset. Max calmed me down. He said that I should do nothing. I started to calm down. Then, prior to the race, Fernando’s manager came and said that he had lost his temper and completely retracted everything he said. When I phoned Max, Max was understanding and said things to me that are irrelevant here, though I would be more than comfortable sharing them. He was completely understanding and said that, on the basis of what I told him, if he felt there was any real validity in what Fernando had said, he would contact me prior to taking any action."

In recent stories it is said that in fact Fern Alonso went to Ecclestone on SATURDAY of the Hungarian GP weekend, which was a day before the Fern/Ron eruption. Now there are reports coming out claiming Bernie was in fact the guy who tipped off the FIA first, and not Ron Dennis. Considering that it was said Ron Dennis went to the FIA the day of the Hungarian GP, which would have been on a Sunday when Alonso said what he said in their argument. Yet on Yahoo UK's F1 page there was an article from 15/9/07 saying "Alonso and Hamilton were not on talking terms for the rest of the weekend and paddock sources said the angry Spaniard had talks with Formula One supremo Bernie Ecclestone on the Saturday after qualifying."

On 19/9/07 on Yahoo UK's F1 page I read this: "But Dennis suggested in Paris that "Bernie said that he may have seen something" and that he "would pass it to Max Mosley. I do not know what that is," the McLaren boss added. "I do know that Bernie said it was in Spanish, but I do not know how this material came to the knowledge of the FIA," he added, also in the presence of Ecclestone, who is F1's Chief Executive.

So if I am to believe the information I've gleaned from various websites, it seems as though Ron Dennis was in fact in the dark on Saturday, which is when I believe Alonso may have shown Ecclestone his evidence which he again raised to Ron the next day. So at the very least, Dennis was probably not the first person to contact the FIA concerning the fact that Fernie Alonso and Pedro "I'm Just a Test Driver" de la Rosa had swapped communications clearly showing that not just one rogue McLaren employee was privy to the knowledge of there being Ferrari information in the team camp.

So yeah. I'm just flat out confused at this point. In conclusion I'm guessing a pissed Alonso went to Ecclestone on Saturday of the Hungarian GP and mentioned the emails. On Sunday, Fernie was still pissed and now he was fighting with his boss and decided to whip out the info again. Who knows when Ecclestone told Mosley/FIA what he'd heard Saturday. All we do seem to know is that upon hearing Alonso's threat, Dennis called Mosley. Maybe Mosley already knew what Ron knew. I don't know. It's all very sketchy. Maybe if I had the time to fully read the FIA transcripts that were released today I would be less confused, but I bet that I may just be left feeling even more confuzzled. When I have the time I'll have to pour over that stuff.

The Wee Scot Bastard

This bit about Jackie Stewart was originally posted in my Live Journal 4/7/05, though as with the Lauda piece it has been overhauled and added on to.

The next driver I am going to speak of is John Young Stewart, though he is known to most of the world as Jackie Stewart, THE* Flying Scot (World Champion 1969, 1971, & 1973)

Telling Emo Fittipaldi that he looks like a Goddamn dirty ape! Circa 1973

This guy is TINY and he is really really Scottish!

Not only is he very small and Scottish, he also knows he's so fucking cool that he can wear funny pants in public and not catch shit about it. He is so cool in fact that after he was knighted he saw fit to start carrying a scepter around with him and once he started carrying his scepter a group of mysterious kilted Scots started following him around everywhere he went and so did a tiny dog for some reason. Not many people achieve this level of coolness in their lives. Then again, many don't end up winning three world drivers championships either. But Jackie Stewart. He's not like other people, not even like other Scots.

Jackie could drive like a motherfucker and shoot skeet like nobody's business. He suffers from severe dyslexia and revolutionized safety in F1. The man has such a nose for business that he was made an honorary Jew in 1989, and in 2001 was Knighted for his contributions to British motor sport.

Jackie Stewart was born in the one of the world's most ridiculously named towns, Dumbartonshire, Scotland way the hell back in 1939. His father, a local garage owner was originally furious with his wife when he first saw his new son Jackie, as he thought his wife had been fucking the Irish milkman, cos his newborn looked exactly like a fucking Leprechaun, and everybody knows leprechaun's aren't Scottish.

Initially Jackie thought, along with his schoolmaster's that he was stupid. Young Jackie was miserable at academics and was often found crying himself to sleep at night due to his inability to read "Little Bo Peep".

Being terrible at grammar and math really infuriated the small lad, for he knew he was no dummy... but there was no way to prove the situation otherwise. If he tried telling anybody he was really quite smart, they'd call him a liar upon seeing the marks he received at school! Poor Jackie just didn't know what to do!

In the early 1950's he found a way to vent some of his frustration with school. He started shooting skeet. No... he didn't discover the wonders of masturbation (well, maybe he did, but not at the same time. Then again, who the hell am I to know? Perhaps that first shot of the gun caused the pistol in his pants to fire off as well?)

So let me clarify this: He took out his academic aggression via guns, ya know, shooting at things. With live ammunition. Namely clay pigeons. Though it was rumored he was the one responsible for taking out the lovable town wino, Doddington, in the summer of 1954. However, there was never sufficient evidence to back this theory up so he never got in any trouble. While his main focus was skeet-pigeon shooting, I'm quite sure he was also well versed at the other form of skeet shooting too. I mean what young man isn't?

He would also work in his fathers garage, learning that he possessed some mechanical ability as well. His older brother had bought a sports car and started racing. Eventually he took Jackie out to an event he was in and let him tool around in the vehicle for a bit... and even though he didn't have his gun with him, he started to shooting skeet.

That's what started it all.


Through out the late 50's Stewart's life revolved around entering clay pigeon tournaments and when he could, racing under an assumed name (so his mum wouldn't find out) He was the most decorated shooter in the land (literally) and was poised to go to the 1960 Olympics representing Scotland's skills with firearms.

Then tragedy struck... actually, he just totally fucking botched his Olympic audition. Shit. Everybody has a bad weekend from time to time. His just came at the worst possible moment. Feeling pretty defeated, he put his gun away and as though he had a death wish, started racing full time, always driving like he stole it!!

I won't bore y'all with his rapid rise through the nursery formula, let's just say that he was known as "Dominatrix Jack" and he was feared through out Europe being he had no fear. Instead of donning a Nomex Fireproof suit, his racing suit was made entirely of leather. When he won a race, instead of flying his national colors (which was done by hiding a flag in the cockpit of the car during the race, in case you won) he would wave around a leather whip brandishing 4.5 inch nails.

In only a space of 5 years he went from zero to hero!! His failure in shooting only drove his racing more and it only took him five years to graduate to F1 when he started driving for the BRM F1 team. While he only won two grand prix's in his three years with the team he was on the podium often enough to establish himself as a rising... clay pigeon.

In 1968 Ken Tyrell, his old boss from the Formula 3 series decided to start entering cars in F1 races and hired Jackie as they'd achieved quite favorable results in F3 together. The partnership of these two was like that of Colin Chapman (owner of Lotus F1) & Jimmy Clark (Lotus driver). While racing for Tyrell in the six seasons that he did in F1, of the 99 GP's Stewart contested in over his career, 25 of his 27 wins came while driving Tyrell machinery. Good driver, good car.

"On the opening lap of the '66 Belgian GP his BRM aquaplaned off the Masta Straight, bounced off a house and landed in the outside basement of a woodcutter's cottage. He was trapped in the car, his ribs and shoulder broken, with the petrol pumps merrily decanting five-star onto his crotch. Understandably, it held his attention. This was why the wee Scot wanted to make safety a bigger issue in F1, due to his own experience of how unsafe it was."

Stewart kicked a lot of ass and then quit at the height of his driving prowess. Something many couldn't do. But he didn't want to die. See, your chances of dying in Jackie's day as an F1 driver were much greater than they are today considering that if you were a F1 driver between 1965 and 1970 (racing for 5 years) your chances of death were 2 out of 3. He'd had that big shunt in Belgium in 1966 that got him thinking about safety, then a few years later whilst lying upside down, trapped in his car in a ditch at the Nurburgring in Germany in 1969, with gasoline leaking all the fuck over the place... just waiting to be ignited by some indignant German natives cigarette butt he decided that there still wasn't enough being done on the safety side of things in F1. While quietly awaiting death he figured if he were to live through this ordeal that he was going to lead the crusade to change this. And he did.

Jackie Stewart is the man responsible for introducing, get this, seat belts (not the five point seat belts used today, just seat belts over the waist) and full faced helmets to Formula One, along with a traveling medical unit that would follow the GP's around Europe. He pushed for larger run off areas at dangerous corners. Up until that point you wore open faced helmets and didn't wear a seat belt. If you crashed you were usually at the mercy of the spectators (if your crash didn't take out 10 or 15 of them, which happened often enough) or other drivers to get you freed.

The changes he brought about were really tremendous and badly needed... though not everybody was happy about it, because some people are simply stupid assholes. "There was criticism from the media, and even some drivers. It was said I was trying to remove the romance of the sport. The media said I had no guts, but not many of these critics had ever crashed at 150 miles per hour. Fortunately, I was still achieving lots of success, winning races in hideously dangerous conditions, which gave me greater leverage. For instance, I had won four times at the original Nurburgring - the most dangerous circuit in the world - and yet I was always afraid of that place. In 1968 I won there by over 4 minutes, in thick fog and rain, where you could hardly see the road. That race should never had been held, but having won it, I was given more credibility for my cause of demanding safety improvements. I wouldn't have done what I did had I wanted to win a popularity contest!"

So go you Wee Scot Bastard!



(I think this was an ad for Astroglide)

While still racing he was one of the first modern sport figures to endorse products for silly sums of money. By the time he retired in 1973 he was a very rich man. He continued to work very closely with Ford over the years (the engine supplier that took him to his championships) and was often in their board room giving his educated opinion. He also started calling races in America on ABC and the people loved him. Then again, it's hard not to like the man. His passion and dedication for the sport is just pleasant.

In 1997 Jackie, along with his son started Stewart Grand Prix and were racing cars in the highest level of motorsport as an independent team (using Ford power of course)

In the late 1990's he was subjected to much media scrutiny due to his outlandish behaviour and questionable style of dress.

See, as a proud Scottish man he was constantly wearing kilts. Not your normal run of the mill kilts either, but micro-mini-kilts. Grown men were offended, yet filled with envy at the same time. Young children frightened whenever he had a seat or bent over, for he never wore underwear which is standard procedure in Scotland. This led to his giganticus balls and bigus-dickis constantly being in plain view for all. He didn't even have to bend over for you to get a full eye of pure unadulterated BALL. They were as big and red as W.C. Fields' booze blown nose.

Eventually he gave in and started sporting casual Scottish slacks and carrying around a sceptor.

A SCEPTER!


Jackie with his scepter, tiny dog, and group of mysterious kilted Scots that follow him everywhere. Look at how Scottish he is!

The incident which gave him the most trouble though came in 1999 when he threw a half eaten piece of Scottish delicacy onto the racing line of the start/finish straight at the Canadian GP. He was disgusted by the manner of which a Jordan driver was defending his position (in the most unracedriverly of ways) and would not yield to Stewart's then driver, Rubens Barichello. In a fit of rage he chucked his half eaten haggis onto the track which was then inhaled by Mika Hakkinen's air thirsty Mclaren on the final laps of the race obstructing the cooling of the engine and causing Mika to lose the race with an engine failure.

At this point there was a call for him to leave the F1 business, which he turned around into a huge money making venture, as he was planning on leaving anyway.

In 2000 Stewart sold his team for roughly $100 million to Ford and the team was rebadged as Jaguar. Even though their budget was much higher than when the team was known as "Stewart Grand Prix", they never won a race again after Jackie ceased being the team principal (Jaguar may have been more successful had they not fired Niki Lauda as the team principal in 2002, but American politics really fucked that team up)

Late in 2004 Jaguar sold to Red Bull for only $55 million. We all know who got the biggest chuckle out of this huge loss.

Having been involved in F1 for over 40 years is amazing. You still see him today at many a GP, and he is often more than happy to share some of his old man wisdom.




Stewart at the Nurburgring 1968

*** The THE defines that JYS is the definite article. THE Flying Scot. Much like the THE in Ohio State University. While there are a number of Ohio state universities (Ohio University, Kent State University, The University of Toledo, and so on), there is only one institution named "Ohio State University" just like there have been other Scots in F1 sometimes referred to as "The Flying Scot" yet there is only one Jackie Stewart and he is in fact THE one and only Flying Fucking Scot!!

** The large asterisk is TM and (R) Milhouse World Order Industries LLC

Speculum

Between Fernie Alonso's part in the spy saga and his general unhappiness with Lewis Hamilton not being a slouch the world is pretty ready to accept that Alonso will probably not be driving a McLaren even though a valid contract is in place for 2008. Originally people just didn't see Ron Dennis letting valuable real estate move over to a competitor when he had the legal right to the Spaniard's services. However, with what has transpired with the big assed FIA fine and loss of the constructor's championship it seems like Alonso couldn't stay at McLaren even if he wanted to now.

Personally, I wouldn't be suprised if he races with them next year, sits out his contract, retires, or goes to another team. None of them would shock me in the least because all have their own merits.

Fern could stay with McLaren and race. They'll have a good car. They had a good car this year, there will be a good car next year. Alonso is a great driver and is capable of producing favorable results. But still, everybody at McLaren probably hate him and he doesn't seem too happy there... but money talks.

Fred could simply choose to sit out his the rest of his contract and come back and join Ferrari or Renault or BMW in a year or two's time. Everybody likes a vacation.

Then again, Alonso could just simply retire. The guy is only 26, yet already a two time Formula One champion, the only guy to beat Schumacher, Michael this millennia, rich as balls, and left with not much else to prove. I think all he has left to prove is that he's capable of being a bigger asshole than Alain Prost.

Lastly, Ron Dennis may just tell him at the end of the year "I'm sorry we ever met, please just go" and The Fern will smugly walk back into the open, loving arms of Renault, as Turdsey Fisichella is on his way out. If Alonso doesn't end up in that other seat Junior Piquet will.

Then again, maybe Ferrari will offer him a ride as a gesture of thanks for winning them the Constructor's championship this year. I think it would be quite hilarious if Ferrari and McLaren just traded drivers... Kimi for Fernie! That would be gold. Though I doubt McLaren would take Kimi back considering he has that hideous tribal tattoo thing on his arm now... and that might make the sponsors unhappy. Even more frumped than a fucking huge fine and being in possession of large swaths of other team's information.

Ha Ha!


But in the end, if anybody gets shit canned from Ferrari, it will be Massa. I hope Alonso doesn't end up at there, nudging out that poor little Brazilian. Massa reminds me of The Little Engine Who Could for some reason.

Laymen

After the $100 million dollar fine was handed to McLaren I made a post on my Live Journal with a copy of the news piece and a blurb about how I can't even conceptualize $100 million dollars. My buddy Milhouse asked me to explain what happened in Layman's Terms so I did, finally concluding with:

The best (or worst) part is that apparently Ron Dennis, the head cheese at McLaren, alerted the FIA to the new evidence that ultimatley got his team the $100 million dollar fine.

As it goes, he and Fernando Alonso were having a very heated discussion and Alonso purportedly said he and McLaren test driver Pedro de la Rosa had exchanged information that came from the 780 pages of Ferrari notes that that Coughlin guy had.

Anyhow, The Fern was like "I'ma go tell the FIA on you if you don't all suckle on my Spanish fly and let me be the number one driver in the team" and Ron Dennis was like "Eat a dick, spic!" and called the FIA. Ron Dennis says The Fern was trying to blackmail him, which may or may not be true. However, it all sure backfired and done blowed up in Ron's face when all was said and done considering the team got that fine and were stripped of their constructors points, yet the driver he hates got immunity for bringing this information to light, even if it was originally shed in an attempt of personal gain.

That's kind of a kick to the groin.

Niki Lauda

This piece on Lauda is from 04/06/05



Nikolaus Andreas Lauda. That's the guy my old man named me after. He won the Driver's World Championship in 75, 77, and 84. I'm guessing he would have also won in 1976, but on the second lap of the race at the Nurburgring in 1976, he gained his place in the annals of racing history not only as a guy who drove his car well, but also as that guy "who should have died, but didn't, and only got his face burnt off".

This occured when his Ferrari suffered a mechanical failure, crashing into the embankment of the track causing his nice car to burst into flames, spinning into the middle of the track facing on coming traffic. Adding insult to injury Niki was then hit head on by another car.

After the second impact the car decided to burn even heavier... and Lauda just chilled in this mess all unconscious. Eventually he was pulled out by four courageous drivers who probably had no chance of winning the race any how, so why not save a guy on fire? Eventually two track marshals showed up. They would have arrived sooner had they not been off in the woods smoking a spliff. It was assumed that Lauda would be dead by morning cos his shit was all fucked up. While suffering some mean burns on his face, neck, and arms, and having some broken ribs, he was given his last rites at hospital. He wasn't expected to die because of the burns, but rather his lungs were completely scorched from inhaling the toxic fumes of the burning gasoline. His car was loaded up on fuel to the max; much like a jumbo jet headed for the twin towers because the Nurburgring was a majestic 16 mile long road circuit flowing through the German forrest (these days the longest track is the wonderful Spa circuit, clocking in at 4.34 miles) It was the last time the race was held at the original Nurburgring, because people were so appalled over the amount of time it took for help to come to him. Jackie Stewart had been saying for years that the track was insane and unsafe, but apparently his claims fell on deaf ears.


(Lauda quietly burning in his car)

Amazingly Lauda did not die. The doctors said there was no logical reason as to why he survived. Though they later admitted that they were also pretty good and drunk on Absinthe when his poor charred ass was hauled in, and that they didn't give him very good care cos they thought he was a goner any how, so they just got him geeked on morphine. It was said that he survived only by sheer force of will. Niki returned to the cockpit a mere six weeks after his accident. As previously stated, I think he would have won the 1976 championship but in the last race of the sesaon at Mt. Fuji, Japan there was a monsoon and the driving conditions were pure insanity. Having just escaped death 6 weeks prior, along with having trouble blinking due to his eyelids mostly being burned off, he pulled in to the pits after the third lap of the race and said "Screw you guys, I'm going home!". With this action he effectively handed his championship to his pal James Hunt. However, you've got to give the guy credit saying he missed three races on the account of almost dying yet only lost the championship by 1 point. Quite a valiant effort on the bucktoothed Austrian's part, you must admit.

(Lauda post accident after the wounds had healed)

Niki started his career using loans he was able to secure on account of his family's affluence in Austria. His father was a very successful man, owning a paper mill or some such shit. He wasn't very lucky in his racing pursuits at first and many people wrote him off as a rich playboy even though his family were providing him with no funds. The poor fellar was actually sort of disowned for a period because his family was so against his need for speed.

Eventually he entered March F1's Buy-a-ride program in 1971 and could do nothing with the car because it didn't work. It was purely a badly engineered piece of machinery and all he ended up with was a crummy T-shirt. He made mention of this fact to his team principals; that the car was a pig and had absolutley no potential of producing results. They scoffed at him (years later it was found that the 1971 March F1 car really was in fact a pile of afterbirth) He was happily written off in most circles in F1 as a no talent waster. In 1973 he weaseled his way into a BRM yet again as a pay driver. At this point he was nearly bankrupt considering he was almost a million pounds in debt. Luckily, this time he had a semi-decent drive and was able to prove he had some worth. BRM paid his old debts for him in exchange for 2 years of service.

Enzo Ferrari took notice this Lauda's showings and was hungry for a driver that could produce results as Ferari had not had a champion since 1964. So Ferrari paid Lauda a heaping sum of money, most of which Lauda gave right back to BRM so he could get out of his contract and started driving the Ferrari.

There was one problem though. While Ferrari was Ferrari, the fine Italian manufacturer wasn't quite at the top of their game in the mid 1970's and the car they gave Niki was yet again a piece of shit. Lauda (who at this point was getting tired of being given mechanically retarded cars) went straight to good old Enzo and stated this very fact, which was an incredibly ballsy thing to do. One just did not talk to Il Commendatore (meaning "The Knight" which Enzo was known as... though Lauda generally refered to him as "The Old Man") like that. While it initially infuriated Enzo, he eventually came to respect that one of his drivers said "This car is a piece of shit, but I intend to make it a winner"

And Lauda did make that car a winner in 1975

Then his face burnt off in 1976

In 1977 he regained his crown with two races left in the season, then promptly quit Ferrari as a form of revenge (Enzo was thinking of replacing him, because Ferrari thought Lauda had lost his balls after his accident in August of 76) and joined Brabham Alfa Romeo, then quit the sport all together mid season in 1979 because he got "tired of driving in circles"

With his time freed up from F1 obligations he started his own airline, Lauda Air, as a result of his infatuation with death, flying, and some poor service he recieved while traveling his country's national air carrier.

In 1982 his airline was experiencing some financial difficulty so he went back to racing to get his company some easy money considering he had the skills to pay the bills. McLaren was the team that provided the car and one must say it was a shrewed move on Ron Dennis' part to bring back a guy that had been out of the game for a number of years, considering since Lauda left Formula One the Turbo Age had gone in to full swing.

In 1984 he once again won the drivers crown for the final time, and quit for good in 1985. But he never really left racing. Only as a driver.

The man had a mind like a computer when it came to piloting a motor car and a dark humor about him. Once when a journalist mentioned to him that he was not credited as starting the Nurburgring Grand Prix in August, 1976, being it had to be restarted due to his heavy crash, he casually quipped "Well what the fuck happened to my ear then?"

When he joined Mclaren F1 in 1982 he was purportedly paid $5 million dollars. At this point in time that was the largest amount of money ever paid to a racer. While negotiating the deal with the Mclaren accountants he told them "I'm only charging you guys $1 for my services as a driver. The rest is for my personality"


(Lauda at Nurburgring in 1975, a place where cars always caught mad air in the dark days of aerodynamics)

Once his racing career was over he held a position as a consultant at Ferrari and later headed the Jaguar team for a season after Bobby Rahal (who was born right down the street from me in good old Medina, OH) has his hand at the team.

Sadly American boardroom politics pushed him out of that role and now Mr. Lauda provides F1 commentary which is often quoted. I always get a laugh when I see a headline proclaiming "_____ is a shitty driver" as he's usually spot on the button.

This is sort of new...

Living in America I haven't many friends who share my passion for Formula One, however I have an Austrian friend who knows a good deal about F1 and while we usually talked about music, since he is a musician, we would often end up talking about F1 as well.

Sometimes on my Live Journal I would make posts about the race I just saw or something happening in the news. Every now and then I would write ridiculous biographies on some of my favorite drivers. While all of the information was true, I ad-libbed quite a bit of filler information. My Austrian friend told me I should make an F1 blog and I told him if anybody else ever told me that then I would.

That was two years ago. Yesterday my dear friend Milhouse mentioned the same thing. I am a man true to my word, like Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump is... so here is my Formula One Racing blog.

I'll start with some of those absurd biographies I wrote a few years ago.