Brawny Mercedes

Norb Haug is apparently hinting at some sort of "surprise" in the form of driver line up and thus people are talking about Michael Schumacher coming back to drive for the silver arrows as he has purportedly given up F1 counseling duties with Ferrari and is supposedly just working with the development of road cars. However, I always thought the reason Ferrari was giving Schumacher these contracts over the past three years was to keep him legally bound to the team till he was too old to go driving any more and thus not any kind of competition threat to them any more, which is when he would really be allowed to fully retire.

Don't get me wrong, that would be awesome if Schumacher ditched Ferrari and hooked up with his old mate Ross Brawn and drove a Nazi rocket sleigh around F1 tracks. That would be gold. Especially if he won!

In the end it would be far more than a simple surprise if M. Schumacher came back to F1 driving a Mercedes. I have a feeling Haug's surprise is Kimi Raikkonen. Now that WOULD be a surprise. Getting rid of a cheap Button for an expensive Kimi.

Whatever. I wish them all the best in their new teams... and surprise me with a Schumacher of the non Ralf variety.

Formula Drugs

Pictured is former F1 Williams and McLaren driver Juan Pablo Montoya. As a native Colombian he naturally has a nose for sniffing out cocaine. I'm not insinuating JPM was or is a cocaine user, it was just an easy joke due to the picture and him being from Colombia and all...

Interestingly no Formula One driver has ever been busted for any kind of drugs, performance enhancing or recreational by random FIA drug testing. Tomas Enge tested positive for marijuana in 2002 after winning the F3000 championship, a year after he did 3 odd GP's with the Prost F1 team but other than that... nothing. The reason I decided to look into the matter was I was talking to somebody about good old James Hunt (F1 Champ 1976) the other day and that got me to thinking, as that dude liked to party. He was an alcoholic and openly enjoyed smoking a spliff as well as a bump of cocaine here and there. To calm his nerves before races it has been said by some that he would have a beer or two early in the day.

The only modern racer that comes close to Hunt-esque acts is Kimi Raikkonen, whom interestingly entered and won a snowmobile race in his native Finland under the assumed name "James Hunt". Räikkönen has openly admired the lifestyles of 1970s race car drivers such as Hunt.

Soon (in the next month or two) I will be unveiling my first new driver biography in a year or two, on the one and only James Hunt.

With that said, I will leave you with a vintage Hunt interview:

Classic!

What the hells was that?!?!?!

As always, Spa never lets me down. They should race there twice a year as the races are so damn good! Those last three laps almost made me lose control of any and all bodily functions I had to lose control of. I think I got off easy and just sneezed. But I almost shit.

I'm not sure how I feel about Hamilton's penalty. So much shit happened in those closing laps that I think they should just leave good enough alone. You can find fault with things Kimi did in those closing laps, and the FIA stewards have apparently found fault with things Hamilton did. So instead of penalizing Lewis, they should have just let him be because whether or not the penalty is overturned in the appeals process, any fan will never deny Hamilton's closing lap fury so in the end, neither should the FIA.

They speak of the "red rule" about Ferrari always being favored by the FIA but Kimi stands to benefit nothing from the race (other than Hamilton's points lost) and everybody knows that Massa did not deserve that win in any way shape or form. He is one of the most pathetic wet weather drivers out there. Sure, Felipe is ahead of Kimi in the championship and all, so this decision still does benefit Ferrari. However, if the FIA is putting the "red rule" into effect, which I'm not commenting on, you've got to exercise it in a believable way for Christ sakes!

My parting words are: Damn Lewis! and Fuck you Kimi. You little moody bitch.

Follow Kimi!

I bet the only person who wasn't surprised by todays race was the guy who scripted it... so I suppose that would be God. Even the most jaded F1 pundits had to be left in awe. I'm sure the most amazed person of all was Kimi himself. Before the race he was saying how it was damn near impossible to bag the championship, but still worth trying for. Obviously this paid off.



Kimi owes Lewis Hamilton a big thank you! For if Hamilton had kept his head instead of trying to prove that he's better than Alonso, Little Black Boy Wonder would probably be champion, as he didn't need to win the race. He could have finished fifth or something and still walked away with the crown. Instead he had something to prove to himself, for I don't think anybody else felt he had anything to prove considering he's had such a great season and proved he is a super star racing driver. The announcers were calling his move on Alonso a rookie mistake, but I beg to differ. It was just stupid. If there ever was a rookie mistake, it was when he beached himself in China. What he did today was beyond that. It was plain foolish!

While I didn't want Hamilton to win, I felt bad that he had that mechanical problem. I wanted him to lose due to his own insolence, such as he demonstrated into the first corner not because Kimi's old McLaren luck found Lewis.

Conversely, nor was I rooting for Alonso. The guy has two championships, will probably bag a few more, and was kind of an asshole this season. He deserved to lose. Kimi deserved to win, if only because he had such piss poor reliability during his stay at McLaren. It would have been cruel if either McLaren won the driver's championship this year, though I feel they should have gotten the constructor's championship. However, I'm so done with the Spy-gate shit.

From here I hope the press hounds Kimi. We know the guy likes to party. He used to get drunk a lot. Sometimes he would fall down. Occasionally he would whip out his dick. You *KNOW* he's gonna be rocking out with his cock out and while I don't really care to see his Finnish dingle-dangle, I want to be reading some good stories of Kimi celebrating. Hell, if Schumacher can trash some rooms after winning a sixth championship, then Kimi with his first championship can burn something down or do something equally awesome!

Next, it's a good thing that the season is over and Ron Dennis' rule of no alcohol unless it's from a bottle of Mumm on the podium can be lifted, since I'm sure everybody at McLaren need a good shit-facing after the season they have had. Lewis will be nursing a forty of King Cobra for sure, since he threw away a championship. Alonso has just had a tough season in general and will probably be slurping down some sangría and I'm sure Ron Dennis will be buy a boat load of New Castle for himself and the rest of the team to drown in. Everybody at McLaren need a drink right about now!

Lastly, Felipe Massa, poor guy. The Ferrari number two that knows his place all too well. Sure, he had no hopes of championship glory today, but he wanted to win his home race and sure could have. But no, he wasn't allowed. Obviously, with in good reason was he not allowed to win the race, yet still. How sad. You could tell the poor fellow was near tears in the interview room and in a rare show of emotion, we saw Kimi pat his team mate on the back when the small Brazilian was on the verge of breaking down. He will probably end up like Rubens. But I hope not.

I shall reflect more on the season later, but now I must go to work and teach teenagers how to drive.

Enjoy your drinks everybody!

You can't hold the Vettel down!

After having his ten position grid penalty lifted for hitting Mark The Web in the arse at the Japanese GP the FIA decided to give almost the same penalty back to young Seb for slowing up Heikki Kovalainen during qualifying. This time though they were kind enough to only shit-can him five places. I think the FIA stewards just wanted to see if they could make Sebastian cry again. Those cruel bastards! Yet Vettel overcame and stormed from 17'th to 4'th in that piece of shit known as the STR. They have always said rain is the great equalizer and time and again it proves to be the case. Just like in Japan Vettel was right up there with the big boys, luckily this time he was rewarded for his heroic stomping of the field. After the race the young man had no words, just howls of happiness, though in all honesty it sounded like he'd got his foot caught in a bear trap.

Lewis Hamilton's tires wore away and he ended up beaching himself in a gravel trap down the pit lane entry. I couldn't believe my eyes. While I'm not a massive Hamilton supporter, I was just amazed this had happened to him. The guy has Michael Schumacher type luck, and is one hell of a driver as well... so to see him slide off the pit entrance and beach himself was just astonishing. Once I'd seen his race was over, I couldn't help but laugh out loud for a good few minutes. Not that I wished bad luck to fall upon him, but seeing Alonso drive past his crippled team mate just made me lose it. I can only imagine Fernando's thoughts when he came across that sight. The Fern was talking about how only a miracle could keep his title hopes alive, and one happened. Just amazing.

While I don't care who wins the championship this year, I'm glad it is finally going down to the last race. While it would be cool to see Lewis win and become the first rookie champion, it'd also be funny to see Fernie win because everybody at McLaren hates him, lastly, I personally would like to see Kimi win it. I honestly feel bad for The Kimster. While at McLaren his cars always broke. Now the ever reliable Ferrari is giving him shit, granted, not as much as when he was racing the silver arrows, but still, it's breaking on him. Some say that this is Kimi's fault as he whomps the shit out of his cars like a drunk hillbilly does to his step children... but still, these cars are meant to be driven hard and Ferrari should be giving him something he can really beat on. We've seen the amazing things Kimi has done by driving his cars hard. Raikkonen has produced more awesome passes and mechanical failures in recent years than any other driver. The guy is an exciting driver and I'd like to see him win it after waiting all these years. We all know Hamilton is gonna be a many times over world champion... so I hope Kimi catches it this year. Just like I hoped Schumi would win it last year... and because I'm wishing all of this Hamilton will win, but I already knew that.

Speculum

Between Fernie Alonso's part in the spy saga and his general unhappiness with Lewis Hamilton not being a slouch the world is pretty ready to accept that Alonso will probably not be driving a McLaren even though a valid contract is in place for 2008. Originally people just didn't see Ron Dennis letting valuable real estate move over to a competitor when he had the legal right to the Spaniard's services. However, with what has transpired with the big assed FIA fine and loss of the constructor's championship it seems like Alonso couldn't stay at McLaren even if he wanted to now.

Personally, I wouldn't be suprised if he races with them next year, sits out his contract, retires, or goes to another team. None of them would shock me in the least because all have their own merits.

Fern could stay with McLaren and race. They'll have a good car. They had a good car this year, there will be a good car next year. Alonso is a great driver and is capable of producing favorable results. But still, everybody at McLaren probably hate him and he doesn't seem too happy there... but money talks.

Fred could simply choose to sit out his the rest of his contract and come back and join Ferrari or Renault or BMW in a year or two's time. Everybody likes a vacation.

Then again, Alonso could just simply retire. The guy is only 26, yet already a two time Formula One champion, the only guy to beat Schumacher, Michael this millennia, rich as balls, and left with not much else to prove. I think all he has left to prove is that he's capable of being a bigger asshole than Alain Prost.

Lastly, Ron Dennis may just tell him at the end of the year "I'm sorry we ever met, please just go" and The Fern will smugly walk back into the open, loving arms of Renault, as Turdsey Fisichella is on his way out. If Alonso doesn't end up in that other seat Junior Piquet will.

Then again, maybe Ferrari will offer him a ride as a gesture of thanks for winning them the Constructor's championship this year. I think it would be quite hilarious if Ferrari and McLaren just traded drivers... Kimi for Fernie! That would be gold. Though I doubt McLaren would take Kimi back considering he has that hideous tribal tattoo thing on his arm now... and that might make the sponsors unhappy. Even more frumped than a fucking huge fine and being in possession of large swaths of other team's information.

Ha Ha!


But in the end, if anybody gets shit canned from Ferrari, it will be Massa. I hope Alonso doesn't end up at there, nudging out that poor little Brazilian. Massa reminds me of The Little Engine Who Could for some reason.